Archives for June 2021

Fear of what might happen to my addict son/daughter

Mumma bear wants to hold her son tight and keep him safe. She carried him in her womb and fed him from her breasts. When things started ‘going crazy’ she became more protective. It was hard to let him out into the world and make mistakes. She was unaware that this behaviour was stifling him. He feels she doesn’t believe in him, and it saps his power.

The Mumma bear is a part of me and has her place. She protects her young and would kill if needed to keep them safe. A key performer when the children were young she struggles to cut the cord and trust they will fly.

I am more than the Mumma bear – a wise woman, warrior, peacemaker, and visionary as well as many other parts both negative and positive. My healing journey is to get to know and accept all the parts that make me who I am. Each has a story, a need and often an unheard voice. When I am at peace with all of myself, I see beyond my conditioning. I no longer project my wounds and challenges onto people and events. Life is easier for me and my loved ones.

Now I mostly recognise when Mumma bear is on the prowl and support her the best I can. When she is proud, I remind her not to attach her worth and success on another person. If she is frightened or anxious, I soothe her. Sometimes we listen to music or use essential oils to lift our spirits.

Fear is debilitating and stops rational thinking yet as a parent of an addict it is often present. There are so many triggers:

• Not hearing from my addict son/daughter
• He/she/they might lose their job/home because of addiction
• They may be arrested, jailed
• He/she/they may relapse/has relapsed
• and more… please share your 3 biggest fears

I learned after many years that I cannot control the outcome but can find support and understanding. When I am calm and grounded, I see things differently and can respond rather than react. It is the starting point for deeper transformation and something over which I have control. Here are some of the practices I use to bring me back to the now and feel peaceful.

1. Sound is incredibly soothing and healing. Choose your favourite track or try this. It is called 111hz Michael: Victory from Fear, the frequency is said to transform the energy of fear.

2. Essential oils Frankincense is said to help reduce fear. I also find ylang ylang very calming. They are great in a diffuser filling the room with a beautiful aroma.

3. Colour can have a positive impact on our emotions. Each colour has an energetic frequency and is simple and effective – green for calm, or blue for coolness, orange linked to the solar plexus/fear centre. Experiment and see which works best for you. You can wear, eat, drink, add to your décor, (cushions, pictures, plants), be creative :).

Do you have a Mumma bear or other part that is linked to your relationship with your adult child? Is it time to renegotiate her role? I would love to know, please email me.


#addiction #parent #help #support #addict #alanon #not_alanon #recovery

Not Knowing what is happening (with my addict son)

I was continually worried about my son. Sometimes there was a valid reason for concern, alcohol, drugs, alcohol, arrest, and court cases. Other times I noticed negative scenarios playing out in my mind – jail, homeless, death or vanishing and never hearing from him. I knew that worst case scenario I would be informed. Yet another thing to dread!

The sense of not knowing what would happen kept me in a permanent state of helplessness. A cloud of heavy negative thoughts and emotions engulfed me for months, well actually years, many years. My physical and emotional well-being were affected. I was a nervous wreck.
Choice time – allow my health, well-being and future be determined by another (over which I, rightly, have no control) or take charge of my life and find ways to cope and start living. That is what I did. Slowly and surely over many years. (It’s been 20+).

“Waiting is painful,

Forgetting is painful.

But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”

Paulo Coelho

I started with yoga, nutrition, and homeopathy which I continue to practice. My self-awareness increased. Previously I had been oblivious to the rhythms and messages from my body. Now I notice when my old friends stress and anxiety visit or when I am heading towards gloom.
Next came years of change/healing practices/energy work. Each method was helpful and took me to a new level of self-understanding.

I began to see with new perspective. The story of my life is impacted by the generations before. My ‘stuff’ has a visceral effect on my children. Nothing is wrong or bad. Simply, it is the game of life. The patterns and traumas are carried forward until we heal or process them. This is my intention – step-by-step. You can too if you choose.

“Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next” Gilda Radna

Ultimately my task to be at peace with myself irrespective of where my addict son’s journey takes him. To be okay with not knowing or knowing and every other scenario and emotion that comes up. It is the only way. Each day I have the opportunity to practice this.
I am honoured to support and guide other parents of addicts find peace and new ways to support themselves and their child. The past has happened, the future can be different. It is time to remove the shame and stigma around addiction and see our challenges differently.

#addiction #parent #help #support #addict #alanon #not_alanon #recovery #enabling

How do you help someone who doesn’t want help?

Talking, pleading, and anger didn’t work. Friends sent healing and did remote sessions. It made no difference. Months, and years passed. It was exhausting and futile trying to help someone who wasn’t looking for help. But there was still a pull, to make a difference and help.

My son did not want help, this was clear, and it was ok, natural. He has a right to live his life and make his choices. But I could help feeling something was wrong and that I could fix it. This was not possible. There may be a role to support at another time but not now.

“Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up” Unknown

There were plenty of things I could look at in my life. I changed my diet and worked part-time. This created space for me to study yoga philosophy, therapy, and healing. Slowly I began to discover myself – the real me, beyond my story and masks I showed the world. A deeply wounded little girl became known to me. I listened to the little one within and committed to help her. She was ready and welcomed my attention.

I realised that when I became stressed and anxious, I saw the world through her eyes and experiences. The language, behaviour and thinking were her responding. The rational adult part of me, with many years of life experience, disappeared. A young child was in control!!

Initially, I was unaware it was my wounded child running the show. Later I would realise after an unhealthy exchange or reaction that the little me had been upset. She is determined and can cause mayhem! This is not wrong or bad. It is a survival program playing out. Now we are close and often I hear or feel agitation building and soothe her. This avoids words or actions that are not helpful.

With time and attention, the little girl felt safer and heard. She is still around and always will be. Sometimes she is unsettled but more and more she shows me fun and loves playing.

Meanwhile my son noticed the changes. He phoned and asked for advice. He felt more comfortable around me. As I continued to work through my issues, there was less intensity, and stress when we saw each other.

I can’t help my addict son unless he asks for help, but I can help myself which lightens the load and changes my perspective.

#addiction #parent #help #support #addict #alanon #not_alanon #recovery #enabling

How to stop enabling

The last time my son came to stay was different. He had been living rough for some months and sounded desperate. I was fearful of falling into our co-dependent stressful ways and felt manipulated. Several years later I am so glad that I said yes.

This time I was 100% dedicated to doing all I could for my son, myself, and the situation. I felt deeply that it didn’t have to be enabling vs tough love. Luckily, I received support from my therapist/teacher. She backed my desire to find a middle way.

My understanding of addiction broadened to include the link to childhood trauma, absent parents, and transgenerational patterns. It was deeply humbling. There was something much bigger at play.

“In psychotherapy and mental health, enabling has a positive sense of empowering individuals, or a negative sense of encouraging dysfunctional behavior.”Wikipedia

I decided to enable in a positive way and work through all the issues that were coming up for me. Boundaries had been a challenge throughout my life. I made some decisions. He could stay for a while. My gift would be food, gym membership, food and counselling should he be willing. I tried to stay present and avoid judging and disempowering. Instead, I silently acknowledged that some days he needed to self-medicate. I would remind myself how concerned I had been about his whereabouts and welfare. Other times I would go for a walk.

My focus became accepting, neutral, or positive – Today he managed to get up. He is looking after his appearance etc. As I became kinder and more understanding he became more at ease with himself.

It was the start of a new chapter in our relationship. One that I value and treasure deeply. I take it day by day without expectation and look forward to speaking with or visiting him if/when it works for him.


#addiction #parent #help #support #addict #alanon #not_alanon #recovery #enabling

Coping With Conflicting Emotions

From teenage years, to 20’s and early 30’s the turmoil and uncertainty around my sons addiction continued. Not knowing and fearing the worst. Knowing – arrest, court, and visits from the police with the numbness and darkness that came with it.

There were many conflicting thoughts and emotions whirling around my head. I loved my son deeply, yet I was angry and frustrated. I wanted him to call and visit then was suspicious and guarded. The desire to support him evoked resentment when it wasn’t welcomed or valued as I thought it should be!

I was stuck in this loop for a long-time.

‘If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.’
(I have seen this quote attributed to many including Albert Einstein and Henry Ford)

I was taking good care of myself – yoga, nutrition, homeopathy, massage, and more. In times of calm, I could ground and centre. My world view encompassed a bigger picture. Yet old behaviours, thoughts and emotions appeared when a challenge inevitably happened. I found myself once more in a tsunami of drama and emotions.

Personal transformation, healing sessions and trainings helped me broaden my awareness. I healed enough to start looking at myself and unravelling my story. Over time my self-compassion and self-love increased. The pain of being stuck where I was became greater then the resistance to look at my story. I started to separate myself from the drama, and saw my situation, my son and the world differently.

My inner knowing was more prominent. I knew it had always been there but ignored it with in favour of my thoughts. Can you remember a time when you knew something and chose a different action? What happened? It was like that only I was paying attention now. A gentle wise woman was guiding me. I saw everything from a more positive and empowered view.

I would dip in and out of this new consciousness. Over time it became my predominant sense. But every now and again life comes along with a big tsunami. Sometimes I feel my old response wanting to play out. Other times I realise I got knocked into the sea and get myself out as soon as I can.

Connecting with your Inner Wisdom

The answers lie within. Beyond the mind and ego in the subconscious is an awareness and knowing which is untarnished by the ups and downs of life. There are many names, I will call it your Inner Wisdom. This continues to be my guide and saviour. It is always right. For me it comes as a quiet whisper and deep knowing. It may be different for you.

Here is a process to connect with your Inner Wisdom.

  • Choose an activity that takes you from thinking to feeling/sensing/knowing
    (journaling, doodling, drawing, painting, creating, relaxing, meditating, free dancing etc. Whatever works best for you. Try something different, you are not committed to it for ever.
  • Stay present with sensations, thoughts, and emotions. Insight may come instantly. It may seem nothing happens. Your job is to notice rather than judge.
  • Write or record your findings. You may be surprised when you look back in a few weeks or months.
  • Like most activities it is helpful to repeat several times. You might like to add it to your daily well-being practice, do it weekly or attend classes/workshops.

Ps If you have a topic, you would like me to include in a newsletter drop me an email.



#addiction #parent #help #support #addict #alanon #not_alanon #recovery