How do you help someone who doesn’t want help?

Talking, pleading, and anger didn’t work. Friends sent healing and did remote sessions. It made no difference. Months, and years passed. It was exhausting and futile trying to help someone who wasn’t looking for help. But there was still a pull, to make a difference and help.

My son did not want help, this was clear, and it was ok, natural. He has a right to live his life and make his choices. But I could help feeling something was wrong and that I could fix it. This was not possible. There may be a role to support at another time but not now.

“Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up” Unknown

There were plenty of things I could look at in my life. I changed my diet and worked part-time. This created space for me to study yoga philosophy, therapy, and healing. Slowly I began to discover myself – the real me, beyond my story and masks I showed the world. A deeply wounded little girl became known to me. I listened to the little one within and committed to help her. She was ready and welcomed my attention.

I realised that when I became stressed and anxious, I saw the world through her eyes and experiences. The language, behaviour and thinking were her responding. The rational adult part of me, with many years of life experience, disappeared. A young child was in control!!

Initially, I was unaware it was my wounded child running the show. Later I would realise after an unhealthy exchange or reaction that the little me had been upset. She is determined and can cause mayhem! This is not wrong or bad. It is a survival program playing out. Now we are close and often I hear or feel agitation building and soothe her. This avoids words or actions that are not helpful.

With time and attention, the little girl felt safer and heard. She is still around and always will be. Sometimes she is unsettled but more and more she shows me fun and loves playing.

Meanwhile my son noticed the changes. He phoned and asked for advice. He felt more comfortable around me. As I continued to work through my issues, there was less intensity, and stress when we saw each other.

I can’t help my addict son unless he asks for help, but I can help myself which lightens the load and changes my perspective.

#addiction #parent #help #support #addict #alanon #not_alanon #recovery #enabling