My son was 15 and struggling. I was near breaking point. Constantly worrying, my mind racing with possible worst-case scenarios. It became harder to concentrate. I was feeling anxious and irritable with low mood and sense of helplessness. My eating was erratic. Often I wasn’t hungry and would binge on something quick and easy when it caught up with me. My alcohol consumption increased as I enjoyed the numbness and pause in thinking.

The shouting, demanding, ultimatums only wore me down and alienated my son. I would pounce as soon as he called or visited. My tone of voice was edgy, defensive, or attacking. Hypervigilant, I was ready to jump in with advice, threats, or passive aggressive comments.

Running on empty without tools or experience I meant well but at best it was unhelpful! Confrontation did not work. How would you respond if you were spoken to in that way? (would you say, ok you are right or some other response? denial? anger? do the opposite? or something else). It was all in the name of love. I believed that I loved him unconditionally.

We may not recognise or connect with the wounding. It is not our job. There is a cause/trigger. Not everyone who uses alcohol and/or drugs experience the torment of addiction. Initially the pain is soothed by the substance or habit of choice. Addicts have a remarkable skill in selecting what will soothe them best. It feels good and initially works. Just as pruning a shrub the roots remain. More or stronger self-medication is needed for the same feeling, and we all know what happens then…

The body wants to heal. As soon as it has the resources, i.e. in recovery, the issues come knocking again more loudly this time. Without tools or knowledge, the addict copes in the only way they know, relapse happens. Some replace an unhealthy addiction for a healthier one. Exercise, spirituality, support groups and they may be helpful for some and are less damaging. The underlying issues remain. Addiction cannot be cured with a strong character, discipline, or confrontation. When the pain is addressed, healing can occur.

What about a new strategy?

Instead of confrontation and negativity what if I was compassionate and positive? There was a learning curve, avoiding old habits… but over time my thinking, tone of voice, and posture changed. Ignoring the blips, I focused on the little successes – knowing it was not his intention when wobbles happened. No-one ever decided they want to be an addict!

On some level my son sensed the change and seemed more comfortable around me. We had turned a corner.

If we haven’t connected yet, sign up for a complimentary well-being call. I will listen to your story, and see how I can best support you.

With love and acknowledgement for all you have experienced, your challenges and potential.
Suzan

Ps If you have a topic you would like me to include in a newsletter drop me an email.

Tel: 07795 517157
https://www.facebook.com/groups/addictsmum

#addiction #parent #help #support #addict #alanon #not_alanon #recovery

One day my son was visiting. I was cooking and asked him to taste for seasoning. He spilt some onto the floor. I instantly felt and knew without doubt that my energy created an anxiety and the spillage happened. It was deeply humbling and highlighted how sensitive he is to energy.

A huge wave of sadness swept over me as I share this, yet it is testimony to how far I have travelled. First the awareness and second the ability to be ok with and share the story. Sure, it is sad, but it is ok too. My son and I are on a journey. It seemed like a huge never-ending roller-coaster ride at times!

I used to think people who watch news 24/7 were the most negative, depressive, and heavy to be around. That being bombarded by sensational headlines and doomsday scenarios had taken its toll. Yet my attention was either focused on negative possibilities about my son or zoning out and avoiding. I was doing my own version of news 24/7!! It is as if the more I tuned into the drama the more appeared.

“Energy flows where attention goes”. Michael Beckwith

The idea that focusing on doom and gloom was bringing more into my awareness was a surprise. Initially I understood this and carried on as before. The knowledge was in my head but not yet integrated into my body, mind, and emotions.

Thoughts are energy. They have a frequency. I, you, and everyone is a field of electromagnetic energy, we vibrate at a frequency. We feel and pick up on the energy of others mostly subconsciously. We all know someone who has a heavy energy, they are the ones we dread meeting or avoid completely. Others have an uplifting frequency, and it is a joy to be in their presence.

The more I worked on myself, became grounded and present the easier it was for my son to relate to me. Nothing else changed – just me. Over time our exchanges were less fraught and more loving. He would ask me questions and listen. Rather than being judged he picked up that I was more empathic, accepting and understanding. My energy had shifted. It was much lighter and welcoming. The oh no! what now, what does he want energy was pretty much gone. I am human though and have bad days, luckily they are rarer now.

Next time you catch yourself thinking negatively about your son or daughter, notice how you feel, smile, and reframe or remember happier times. When you are feeling content, they will pick that up too.

The next group specifically for mums of addicts starts in September. We will explore and experience these ideas and develop positive strategies for interacting with your child. (They are still our child however old they are). Email me to be added to the waiting list.

With love and acknowledgement for all you have experienced, your challenges and potential.
Suzan

If you have a topic you would like me to include in a newsletter drop me an email.

with love,

Suzan

+44 (0)7795 517157
Co-author Searching… A Peek into the Invisible World of Energy & Healing

#addiction #parent #help #support #addict #alanon #not_alanon #recovery

Mumma bear wants to hold her son tight and keep him safe. She carried him in her womb and fed him from her breasts. When things started ‘going crazy’ she became more protective. It was hard to let him out into the world and make mistakes. She was unaware that this behaviour was stifling him. He feels she doesn’t believe in him, and it saps his power.

The Mumma bear is a part of me and has her place. She protects her young and would kill if needed to keep them safe. A key performer when the children were young she struggles to cut the cord and trust they will fly.

I am more than the Mumma bear – a wise woman, warrior, peacemaker, and visionary as well as many other parts both negative and positive. My healing journey is to get to know and accept all the parts that make me who I am. Each has a story, a need and often an unheard voice. When I am at peace with all of myself, I see beyond my conditioning. I no longer project my wounds and challenges onto people and events. Life is easier for me and my loved ones.

Now I mostly recognise when Mumma bear is on the prowl and support her the best I can. When she is proud, I remind her not to attach her worth and success on another person. If she is frightened or anxious, I soothe her. Sometimes we listen to music or use essential oils to lift our spirits.

Fear is debilitating and stops rational thinking yet as a parent of an addict it is often present. There are so many triggers:

• Not hearing from my addict son/daughter
• He/she/they might lose their job/home because of addiction
• They may be arrested, jailed
• He/she/they may relapse/has relapsed
• and more… please share your 3 biggest fears

I learned after many years that I cannot control the outcome but can find support and understanding. When I am calm and grounded, I see things differently and can respond rather than react. It is the starting point for deeper transformation and something over which I have control. Here are some of the practices I use to bring me back to the now and feel peaceful.

1. Sound is incredibly soothing and healing. Choose your favourite track or try this. It is called 111hz Michael: Victory from Fear, the frequency is said to transform the energy of fear.

2. Essential oils Frankincense is said to help reduce fear. I also find ylang ylang very calming. They are great in a diffuser filling the room with a beautiful aroma.

3. Colour can have a positive impact on our emotions. Each colour has an energetic frequency and is simple and effective – green for calm, or blue for coolness, orange linked to the solar plexus/fear centre. Experiment and see which works best for you. You can wear, eat, drink, add to your décor, (cushions, pictures, plants), be creative :).

Do you have a Mumma bear or other part that is linked to your relationship with your adult child? Is it time to renegotiate her role? I would love to know, please email me.

#addiction #parent #help #support #addict #alanon #not_alanon #recovery

I was continually worried about my son. Sometimes there was a valid reason for concern, alcohol, drugs, alcohol, arrest, and court cases. Other times I noticed negative scenarios playing out in my mind – jail, homeless, death or vanishing and never hearing from him. I knew that worst case scenario I would be informed. Yet another thing to dread!

The sense of not knowing what would happen kept me in a permanent state of helplessness. A cloud of heavy negative thoughts and emotions engulfed me for months, well actually years, many years. My physical and emotional well-being were affected. I was a nervous wreck.
Choice time – allow my health, well-being and future be determined by another (over which I, rightly, have no control) or take charge of my life and find ways to cope and start living. That is what I did. Slowly and surely over many years. (It’s been 20+).

“Waiting is painful,

Forgetting is painful.

But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”

Paulo Coelho

I started with yoga, nutrition, and homeopathy which I continue to practice. My self-awareness increased. Previously I had been oblivious to the rhythms and messages from my body. Now I notice when my old friends stress and anxiety visit or when I am heading towards gloom.
Next came years of change/healing practices/energy work. Each method was helpful and took me to a new level of self-understanding.

I began to see with new perspective. The story of my life is impacted by the generations before. My ‘stuff’ has a visceral effect on my children. Nothing is wrong or bad. Simply, it is the game of life. The patterns and traumas are carried forward until we heal or process them. This is my intention – step-by-step. You can too if you choose.

“Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next” Gilda Radna

Ultimately my task to be at peace with myself irrespective of where my addict son’s journey takes him. To be okay with not knowing or knowing and every other scenario and emotion that comes up. It is the only way. Each day I have the opportunity to practice this.
I am honoured to support and guide other parents of addicts find peace and new ways to support themselves and their child. The past has happened, the future can be different. It is time to remove the shame and stigma around addiction and see our challenges differently.

#addiction #parent #help #support #addict #alanon #not_alanon #recovery #enabling

Talking, pleading, and anger didn’t work. Friends sent healing and did remote sessions. It made no difference. Months, and years passed. It was exhausting and futile trying to help someone who wasn’t looking for help. But there was still a pull, to make a difference and help.

My son did not want help, this was clear, and it was ok, natural. He has a right to live his life and make his choices. But I could help feeling something was wrong and that I could fix it. This was not possible. There may be a role to support at another time but not now.

“Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up” Unknown

There were plenty of things I could look at in my life. I changed my diet and worked part-time. This created space for me to study yoga philosophy, therapy, and healing. Slowly I began to discover myself – the real me, beyond my story and masks I showed the world. A deeply wounded little girl became known to me. I listened to the little one within and committed to help her. She was ready and welcomed my attention.

I realised that when I became stressed and anxious, I saw the world through her eyes and experiences. The language, behaviour and thinking were her responding. The rational adult part of me, with many years of life experience, disappeared. A young child was in control!!

Initially, I was unaware it was my wounded child running the show. Later I would realise after an unhealthy exchange or reaction that the little me had been upset. She is determined and can cause mayhem! This is not wrong or bad. It is a survival program playing out. Now we are close and often I hear or feel agitation building and soothe her. This avoids words or actions that are not helpful.

With time and attention, the little girl felt safer and heard. She is still around and always will be. Sometimes she is unsettled but more and more she shows me fun and loves playing.

Meanwhile my son noticed the changes. He phoned and asked for advice. He felt more comfortable around me. As I continued to work through my issues, there was less intensity, and stress when we saw each other.

I can’t help my addict son unless he asks for help, but I can help myself which lightens the load and changes my perspective.

#addiction #parent #help #support #addict #alanon #not_alanon #recovery #enabling

The last time my son came to stay was different. He had been living rough for some months and sounded desperate. I was fearful of falling into our co-dependent stressful ways and felt manipulated. Several years later I am so glad that I said yes.

This time I was 100% dedicated to doing all I could for my son, myself, and the situation. I felt deeply that it didn’t have to be enabling vs tough love. Luckily, I received support from my therapist/teacher. She backed my desire to find a middle way.

My understanding of addiction broadened to include the link to childhood trauma, absent parents, and transgenerational patterns. It was deeply humbling. There was something much bigger at play.

“In psychotherapy and mental health, enabling has a positive sense of empowering individuals, or a negative sense of encouraging dysfunctional behavior.”Wikipedia

I decided to enable in a positive way and work through all the issues that were coming up for me. Boundaries had been a challenge throughout my life. I made some decisions. He could stay for a while. My gift would be food, gym membership, food and counselling should he be willing. I tried to stay present and avoid judging and disempowering. Instead, I silently acknowledged that some days he needed to self-medicate. I would remind myself how concerned I had been about his whereabouts and welfare. Other times I would go for a walk.

My focus became accepting, neutral, or positive – Today he managed to get up. He is looking after his appearance etc. As I became kinder and more understanding he became more at ease with himself.

It was the start of a new chapter in our relationship. One that I value and treasure deeply. I take it day by day without expectation and look forward to speaking with or visiting him if/when it works for him.

#addiction #parent #help #support #addict #alanon #not_alanon #recovery #enabling