How do you stop feeling like a failure as a mom …. of an addict?

How do you stop feeling like a failure as a mom….? This question comes from a mum whose son has come to addiction in his 40’s. Everything appeared to be on track. Having graduated from parenting to grandparenting they learn their son is experiencing addiction. It must be a huge shock.

The societal view that addiction is a disease, bad, or wrong is slowly changing. New thoughts and ideas on addiction are out there, gaining momentum but not yet mainstream. They are worth considering and make sense to me.

You mention your son has also been diagnosed with severe depression and PTSD. Dr Gabor Mate, a Hungarian-Canadian physician who has worked with addicts, believes trauma, childhood or transgenerational is the root of addiction. The substance of choice producing the brain chemistry needed to soothe the pain.

“Addiction is not a choice that anybody makes; it’s not a moral failure… What it actually is: it’s a response to human suffering…”

— Dr. Gabor Maté

If addiction is self-medication rather than a dis-ease does anything change? What happens to the sense of failure? You may be filled with compassion and everything is solved or transfer the sense of failure to another issue.

Question… Who says something has gone wrong? What if addiction is part of your son’s life journey, fate, or destiny. Could addiction be a catalyst to highlight and possibly transform personal or transgenerational trauma? or to change track to a more fulfilling career etc?

Whatever our opinion life is neither a fairy story nor Disney movie. Happy ever after is a relatively modern idea. History shows that life is tough, and no-one gets out alive! Some seem to have an easier ride but there is no guarantee for any of us. But if as a parent I am part of the problem I can be part of the solution.

At the start of my transformation journey I felt, spoke, and acted like a victim. Life was happening to me. I had no control and a whole load of negative self-talk. As layers of conditioning lifted, I saw things differently. I learned about the bigger picture, how transgenerational and early life events have influenced my perception and behaviours.  I became more self-compassionate. This made it easier to look at patterns, mistakes, and judgements and start making positive changes.

I now view life as the episode of a tv series/season. Rather than a one-off this life is part of my soul’s journey of many lifetimes. This makes sense of incomprehensible, unjust events and tragedies. My purpose is to deal with what is happening in each moment the best I can. Challenging situations are opportunities for learning and personal growth. They may not be welcome or easy, but gold lies beyond each obstacle.

4 key steps in stopping feeling like a failure as a parent of an addict

  • Awareness
  • Acceptance
  • Curiosity
  • New habits

The more I can be at peace with myself, my story and history the less I am overwhelmed by negative emotions and feelings such as failure, guilt, shame, judgement. A magical outcome is that as I work through my issues something shifts for my children.

Do you have a question, topics, or practice ideas you would like me to share? email me or post in the Facebook group.

Seeds of Hope for Parents of Addicts

I was born into a chaotic situation. Drama was either playing out, ending, or brewing. To cope I learned to be vigilant. It was my survival strategy and all I could do at that tender age.

The world seemed a hostile and frightening place. Instead of potential I saw danger. Keeping small and invisible was safe. I stopped dreaming. The glass was half empty.

My body felt normal when flooded with stress chemicals. I was safe with a heightened state of awareness and would feed my dependency with drama – my own, friends or loved ones. I was addicted to stress!!

I saw the world the colouring of my childhood. This is what I carried into parenting. I loved my children and did the best I could. Yet I was unable to be fully present or love unconditionally. In my unconsciousness by trying to protect my son, I stifled his dreams.

“We cannot create a new future, by holding on to the emotions of the past.” Joe Dispenza

In the process of healing and unravelling my story I became aware of things I could have done differently. I plunged into the shame, blame and judgement loop. Subconsciously I was avoiding looking at my own issues and feeling and processing supressed emotions. In time I accepted that my parents had done the best they could and were unable to fulfil my needs. This did not make them bad or wrong, it was not personal, simply a fact. Their parents were not able to meet their needs and so it goes back through our ancestral line.

I began to understand and accept the past. Initially with my mind, then much later it became visceral, and I knew from deep within me.

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” —Desmond Tutu.

My son had been struggling with addictive tendencies for well over a decade. I could see no way to help him or our relationship. Until… I started zooming out, away from the past and focusing on positive possibilities. Like a seed I scattered it. I fed it with a gentle comment or offer to help and repeated sparingly. Everything changed. It opened a door to a new possibility. What was impossible became possible in a relatively short timeframe. There was hope, ups and downs, twists, and turns and results beyond my dreams.

I would love to hear your story and what supports you. I am gifting 100 complementary well-being calls (30-minute ) for mums who are looking to support themselves and their adult son/daughter as they navigate life with addiction challenges. To schedule a session use this link https://suzanschedule.as.me/well-being

This offer is open to all who are ready and willing to make lasting positive change in their life.

The Greatest Misconception about Parenting an Addict

I knew exactly what my son needed to do and I wasn’t shy about sharing. The moment I saw him I would bombard with advice. Try this. It is brilliant. Shall I book you a session? My friends gave remote healing. I shared my thoughts, learning and beliefs. So many ideas. After time I could feel him zone out and escape fast every time I started talking.

I momentarily escaped the persistent anxiety and agitation in yoga classes. Tension left my body. I could breathe again and had moments of being present.

But I was still searching for something to fix the problem. Next came reiki and healing therapies. They were going to resolve everything. Oh but numerology… It was in his numbers – clear as anything – ADDICTION. That was the answer, hooray. Now all he he had to do was follow a specific healing protocol and everything would be alright!! Except he wasn’t interested. He looked bemused at this new version of his Mum. I was determined to sort things and would try anything.

Months became years. The next technique would be THE ONE. Previous modalities were good, but this next training, session or book would be it! I was getting results, feeling lighter, more positive and looked so much better. It must be working surely.

I felt so close to the prize of fixing my son and all my challenges would disappear. But oh no! Another ‘problem’ or setback and I spiralled back into anxiety, and helplessness. As mum it was my job to make everything better. And I would never give up!

Until I realised that he was not broken.

My views on addiction changed. I had been mistaken. My son was not broken, wrong, or bad. The situation was not a punishment. He was wounded and struggling with life. Rather than judgement, compassion and support would help him figure out himself, life, and the future.

When the time was right, he started to make changes, asked for help and we talked more freely. Things changed gradually. I saw that he knew what was best for him and had much wisdom. A kind, sensitive, likeable man struggling with the pressures of a 21st century living.

I saw the similarity with myself and friends dreaming of escaping the rat race, living a simple life. He didn’t yet have the life skills, experience and resources. Like all of us he was doing the best he could each day.

I knew intellectually but I now really knew. It is not my job to fix my son. He has his own life, path, and destiny. I accompany him for a while and what happens next is his not mine to decide. He is an adult and by continually trying to fix I am disempowering and judgemental. There is no right or wrong way, just his way.

Being a parent of an addict has unique challenges and obstacles. Together it is easier.

I am gifting 100 complementary well-being calls (30-minute ) for mums who are looking to support themselves and their adult son/daughter as they navigate life with addiction challenges. To schedule a session use this link https://suzanschedule.as.me/well-being

This offer is open to all who are ready and willing to make lasting positive change in their life.

If you are ready I would love to share some ideas and practices. Gain new perspective. Start or continue the journey of supporting you and your son/daughter. Contact me for a group or private online sessions.

Finding Peace As A Parent Of An Addict

Being a parent of an addict is a life long journey and there is  no guarantee of a happy ending! That is the harsh reality of our situation. Even though I am a firm believer in miracles, it is tough, really tough. But it is okay too. It has to be otherwise we are doomed. That is something I played with for a while and rejected.!! Over many years of personal development and well-being work, training and sharing I can confidently say that there is hope of peace. Rather than a linear process, its a journey with detours and standstills.

Here are 3 ways you can get started:

  • Spend time with people who understand, don’t want to fix or give unsolicited opinions and advice! I am sure we have all had plenty of this!
  • Sign up for a group/course to support your mental and physical well-being. I find committing by paying in full is the most effective way to ensure I attend regularly. It is easy to put others first and neglect our own well-being and development unless it is a non-negotiable event in the calendar.
  • Get curious but kind. Start noticing how you see/think/talk to yourself. Make a note, doodle or drawing with your findings. What thoughts or events trigger unhelpful emotions? Which strategies are more effective?

Being a parent of an addict has unique challenges and obstacles. Together it is easier.

I am gifting 100 complementary well-being calls (30-minute ) for mums who are looking to support themselves and their adult son/daughter as they navigate life with addiction challenges. To schedule a session use this link https://suzanschedule.as.me/well-being

This offer is open to all who are ready and willing to make lasting positive change in their life.

If you are ready I would love to share some ideas and practices. Gain new perspective. Start or continue the journey of supporting you and your son/daughter. Contact me for a group or private online sessions.

Reduce Anxiety Around your Son/daughters Addiction

I realised one day that I could not control the outcome of my son’s life. There was no drum roll or lightbulb moment. I just knew, from deep within me. There was acceptance in place of the emotional charge and agitation.

As I stopped trying to fix him or change his life path I noticed differences in how I perceived him and his challenges. After time, it was as if he could feel the changes taking place in me. We were not spending much time together but he noticed the difference. Every now and again he would call for an in depth conversation. He was searching for help for his girlfriend. ???? I was trying to fix him and he was trying to fix her ????. Both trying to control something outside our control.

What I could and can do is my own personal development and healing. I eventually understood it is not my job to control or fix him but by sorting myself out something became easier for him. Our relationship started to improve. My anxiety levels were greatly reduced. I was able to disentangle from the twists and turns of his life. The agony of knowing and not knowing.

Coping with anxiety and lack of control

  1. Get clear on what is in your control and what is not (another person, world situation etc.) It is not going to help reduce anxiety levels if my peace depends on something over which I have no influence. Here are some ideas that may help you get started.✨Create a daily routine and stick to it, include mealtimes, breaks, time in nature, exercise.✨ Consider what you feed your mind and emotions, eg news, social media, people you hang out with. Choose what supports you and minimise or avoid what doesn’t.✨Decide what contact and support you are able to give, free from resentment and negative impact on you.
  2. Start a well-being practice to create calm and presence, rather than the mind spinning off in the past and/or future scenarios. (Become grounded).✨Consider eating fresh, natural foods, unprocessed and organic if affordable.
    ✨Create a room or small area in a room as an oasis/sanctuary. You might include a picture, plant, flowers, crystal, candle, poem/book – any item that will invoke a sense of calm. Spend time here regularly.
    ✨Continue, resume or start an exercise regime, walking is fine as is something more strenuous.
  3. Once grounded you are ready to take the next steps of personal development and healing. This creates lasting positive change.✨Observe with curiosity patterns or behaviours, reactions and habits that are supportive and those that are unhelpful. Record in a journal with words, doodles or any creative outlet. This will help you tap into your subconscious.
    ✨Find a group, course or retreat that will support you on your own unique journey of self-discovery.

I am offering an online introductory workshop where we can explore some ideas and techniques to reduce anxiety, begin to direct our life and return to peace. It is a safe, supportive, nurturing space. Discover and experience:

  • 3 ways to reduce anxiety
  • 2 ways to take control
  • 1 way to find peace

“It was great to look at my son in a different way without judgement.”

“I am better able to cope, not fretting about it all the time.”

“I feel better in myself.”

“You put up a mirror and helped me put in place strategies and tools for going forward.”

Together the load is lighter.

BOOKING
Sliding scale donation

Access/Budget £30
Regular £45
Sustain/Pay-it-forward £60

Limited scholarships available

BOOK HERE (shows your local time).

If you have any questions, topics or practice ideas you would like me to share email me or post in the Facebook group.

With love,
Suzan

Removing the Fear from Freedom

As restrictions ease here in the UK there is a desire for things to ‘go back to normal’. But what if you go a step further and create the normal that is best for you? What activities, spending and habits are no longer needed or supportive? How does you new daily/weekly/yearly life look and feel now? (Feel free to borrow my magic wand and share your vision:).)

However positive the future may be, a legacy remains. Relationships and jobs have changed or ended, finances have been impacted, sometimes with devastating effects. I know some of you have had a really tough time, others have been feeling sadness, fear and grief which is in the collective consciousness. Even if you are an introvert and lock-in was the best possible experience, everyone is in the same energy field/morphogenic field and impacted by these energies. What you are feeling may be yours or it may be from this field or perhaps a bit of both. It may be childhood and transgenerational issues coming up to be cleared and released.

It is vital that we get to know our fears and feelings. We are intricately connected with one another and with nature. Just as we care for and protect the environment (belatedly I hear some of you cry), it is important to care for one another. Living in fear of, judging, reporting one another evokes memories rooted in the horrors of genocide and wars. It is unthinkable. But it doesn’t have to be this way we can heal.

But how? Just as with all healing. With you, step by step at your own pace, without pressure. By changing you, your world will change.

Take time now to observe and reflect on the past and the future. Notice patterns and repeating behaviours. Perhaps you also notice them in a family member. What is your instinctive response? (If you are experiencing mental health challenges, wait until things have settled). This will help you cope when situations arise. How do you feel about mixing with others? What scenarios would be supportive and/or triggering? Are you mildly, moderately or extremely anxious, stressed and fearful? All of these are normal and if you are feeling fine* now, when the time comes your emotions may be different! It is okay if you are feeling stirred up. Everything is has the potential to help you grow and embody more of your true self.

My sense is that everyone is experiencing a degree of trauma simply by having lived through 2020! 

You have tools – the practices from our work together – use them when needed. Something as simple as a long, conscious exhale can make a difference. You can add counting back from 5 as you exhale.

You have connection and community – in all the groups.

You are not alone. I am in the Zoom sanctuary 15 minutes before start time and you are welcome to come along to connect or chat.

We can do this together.

Continue to prioritise well-being physical, emotional/mental and spiritual. The energy forecasts say that things may get a bit bumpy. The good news is that it gives an opportunity to transform quickly. It’s easier than ever before to clear old patterns, programs and behaviours. Simply being aware and giving space to these energies is transformative.

Keep coming to groups or private sessions, join our Signal group and use it for support. Share how you are feeling with others who understand. All sessions are stress, trauma and recovery sensitive and remain in our online yoga sanctuary. Perhaps you would benefit from 2 sessions a week or a private session to develop a home practice. NEW COURSES START 12TH APRIL. Together we will navigate what comes up. Here is a summary:

✨True peace is found on the other side of our challenges. Explore and heal what is holding you back in a safe, loving space in our Connection & Healing Circle for WomenTuesday – Zoom 8.00-9.00pm Numbers are limited to 7.

✨Reset your nervous system for calm and a deep sense of well-being with YOGA PLUS – beyond the posturesA gentle, nurturing session to retune and align to harmony and peace. Includes sound bath, relaxation, energy balancing and healing. Wednesday 8.00-9.00pm

✨Find and free patterns and emotions held in your body. Ground your healing. A wonderful, holistic experience blending yoga, sharing and energy healing in Yoga for RecoveryWednesday – 6.00-7.30pm

MINDFUL YOGA CLASSES

Mindful Yoga THERAPY & Relaxation Monday – 6.00-7.15pm
Mostly lying, gentle, therapeutic, and restorative, with time for connections and sharing.

Mindful Yoga & Relaxation, Mixed ability Monday 7.45-9.00 pm
From standing to lying, poses for strength, stretching and releasing physical and emotional tension. Relax, unwind, reconnect with yourself and the group

Chair YogaTuesday – 10.30-11.30am
Gentle, safe, and fun – no lying or kneeling

Finding FreedomTuesday 6.00-7.15pm
Supporting parents of addicts with connection and gentle practices to reset and relax.

Regular practice and spending time in positive energy develops resources and resilience. This helps you relax and see beyond conditioning and patterns as you are guided by your inner wisdom. This is the place of freedom. It is beyond fear.

Email me to book your place or discuss which is best for you.

*FINE = f***d up, insecure and emotional 🙂

Free well-being calls for parents of addicts

I have committed to 100 well-being conversations, 30 minutes with mums whose adult son/daughter is living with addiction challenges. It will take around 30 minutes.
Open to any mums who are looking to make positive change.
To schedule your session use this link https://suzanschedule.as.me/well-being
help for parents of addicts, mum addict, son, daughter, help, online, community

Yoga as a Healing Tool

Yoga can help!

Yes, it can help with pretty much anything.

The answers, insight, and meaning lie within you. There is a part that is beyond the tarnishing and challenges of human life. Soul, higher self, eternal flame, infinity spark, are some of the names. You may know another.

 

When you dedicate your practice – postures, breathing, sound, reflection, ritual, meditation – to yourself you have an opportunity to connect with this part of you, your essence. Allow plenty of time, bring openness, curiosity and non-judgement. Set no agenda or time limit.

Day after day, week after week you deepen your relationship with your SELF. It is the light of your lighthouse, guiding you towards and/or away as needed.

This new found or deepened awareness if the first step and key to the wisdom that lies within. It is unchanging, ever present and the one thing you can trust. First the clutter must be cleared to avoid confusion and patterns and ego conditioning over-riding that quiet voice.

This is a simple process, not necessarily easy. You may confront feelings, memories etc that you have been avoiding.

  • Make sure you are safe before you explore anything that may re-traumatise you.
  • Consider whether you would benefit from the support of a therapist/teacher.
  • Take small accessible steps.

Yoga can empower your healing, recovery and discovery of the root of physical and emotional challenges.

Yoga is all about YOU. It supports you to make peace with your SELF.

To untangle unhealthy relationships. And allow your loved ones to live their own life. Irrespective of our beliefs.

Step One – Self-awareness

Step Two – Self-acceptance

Self-worth and self-love are the fruits.

I am happy to support, guide and empower you on this journey. Please email me to arrange a confidential 20 minute consultation.

Recovery Yoga – online

Feel comfortable being you, in the world at this time with gentle recovery and trauma sensitive practices.

Make peace with your story and create the life you want to live.

New live, online, in-person group starting January 2021.

Recovery yoga, online classesSessions include:

  • Mindful movement with Individual adaptations and alternatives as needed
  • Breathing techniques
  • Relaxation
  • Mindful meditation
  • Sharing, connection and community
  • Home practice ideas

Yoga supports:

  • Positive change
  • Immune system, digestion and rational thinking
  • Well-being of body, mind and spirit
  • Self-awareness and understanding
  • Energy balancing
  • New ways of seeing and being in the world

I feel amazing, I could do anything now!

It’s doing what your body wants and needs rather than what you think you need.

I felt down all day, now I feel great and ready for my walk.

Your confidentiality is assured.

For dates and times click here.

Coping with Confusion and Conflicting Views

Several of you have shared experiencing feelings of overwhelm, concerns about conflicting media reports and that you are struggling. It’s ok. There are things YOU can do. The trick is to create all you need in your body and inner world, to make it an oasis of calm, your sanctuary and anchor in an ever changing environment.

When fearful, anxious, or stressed the sympathetic – fight, flight or freeze – response is activated. The pre-frontal cortex/rational brain switches off along with digestion, immune system and more. This is not a good place to be or from which to make decisions. As soon as you notice overwhelm, anxiety etc. take positive steps to activate your parasympathetic, tend and befriend nervous system.

When you feel rattled, triggered, all shook up:
1.    Identify and remove yourself from the trigger – switch off news/social media, walk away, end the call.
2.    Ground/centre – connect with your body, feel your feet, tap, or firmly touch your body, go for a walk, practice yoga.
3.    Use the resources you have practiced in class.

Self-healing
Until your basic survival needs are met they must be your priority. It is important to feel safe, stable, grounded/centred. You then have resources for  healing/development. There is no right or wrong way, no time limit, just your way for now. No pressure, no deadlines.

What works for you?
Start with something that takes you from thinking to feeling/sensing/knowing. It’s your choice: journaling, doodling, drawing, painting, creating, relaxing, meditating, free dancing etc. The activity creates space for energy to flow.

You will probably feel better fairly quickly. Insight may come instantly. You may feel you have made enough progress for now. Or you may like to dive a little deeper with a reflection/enquiry process. Here are a few points to get you started. Don’t be restricted by my words or your thoughts. If you don’t understand it skip, make up your own prompts. Feel/sense/know beyond your conscious mind. Remember answers and insights will come at the appropriate time.

Get curious! 

 

1.    Which emotion/feeling/thought/reaction is active?
2.    Is it a habit or pattern? your usual response?
3.    Sensitives pick up on others energy, Is the emotion/feeling/thought/reaction yours? an ancestral pattern? part of the collective?
4.    If the emotion/feeling/thought/reaction was physical, where is it in your body? what shape or texture? does it have a message? what does it need?
5.    What would be supportive right now? movement, making some noise, hitting a pillow, dancing etc, there are no limits!
6.    If you are somewhere where it is appropriate give yourself what you need or is supportive. It may be necessary to wait until you are alone e.g. if making a lot of noise. In which case make a sacred commitment to yourself to do this as soon as possible.

Your process will free energy and it can start to flow. I always expected a drum roll and fanfare!! But for me its a whisper of knowing beyond any doubt. When you no longer have an adverse reaction to an event or trigger your healing is complete.

As an example, Confusion has been coming up for me. There is so much not being talked about. There are many ethical and moral issues which we don’t discuss due to sensitivities and political correctness, judging and shaming. Now we have added CV!

This is mine, it comes from my childhood when things were not discussed or events happened that were never mentioned. As an energetically sensitive child I was aware of a mismatch in what was said and what I felt. I learned to doubt my inner wisdom and did not feel safe in myself.

The knowledge is empowering. I take that awareness into my healing, interactions and considerations. It has a positive impact on how I relate to others and the world around me.

How about you? Please share at one of the circles, classes or in a personal message.

You cannot change the world, but you can change your SELF. As you develop, you see the world with a clearer vision. In time you may perceive and interact from your inner wisdom. This is the space from which you can research, question and act while staying centred and present. If/when needed you can anchor and retreat to your inner sanctuary. Like meditation it is not a permanent state. Sometimes you may be present from your inner wisdom and other times seeing through your wounding and conditioning. This is where discernment and awareness have a role. And the wonderful thing is you can practice and develop all these skills on your yoga mat.

All classes and groups create a safe space where you can be in tend and befriend mode, aware, curious and self-healing.

I am happy to chat about options if you need support.

If you have a topic you would like me to include in a newsletter drop me an email.

With love and acknowledgement for all you have experienced, your challenges and potential.

Suzan
07795 517157
Facebook: www.facebook.com/suzanjoywells
Twitter: soulwisdomyogi
Website: www.suzanjoywells.co.uk
Mailing list: http://eepurl.com/c1BEIn
Co-author Searching… A Peek into the Invisible World of Energy & Healing